STWG: Panzer (part 1)



nce upon a time, in the far away magical princess fairyland of Silvermoon, there lived an elf named Panzer.

Panzer was a brilliant general, loved by all his men and women under his command. Responsible for the hairbrush and mirror petition in the first war, and the great debate of silky smooth vs. lavender of the second war. But his greatest achievement, and the reason for which he was placed in charge of the mercenary group Deaths Desires, is perhaps the greatest tale of them all.


While having his nails done in one of his favorite salons, his bestest and only good time friend who’s name is not worth mentioning as his entire purpose in this story is to advance the plot, came rushing into the salon nearly out of breathe and ran over to General Panzer. “Your greatness!” said the inconsequential character, “I bear a message!” at this Panzer jumped up from his pedicure, and let out a high pitched, yet still very masculine, scream.


“A BEAR MESSAGE? WHAT KIND OF A SICK BASTARD SENDS A BEAR AS A MESSAGE??” but then recovering his composure, he straightens, “I mean, it must be the trolls! To send a bear as a message. Take note inconsequential character! For today I declare war on the trolls and their….bear filled messages.”


“No sir… I’ve brought you a message.” said the unmentionable friend, looking rather annoyed.


“No bears?” inquired Panzer.


“No sir, no bears.” replied the unnamed compadre.


“Very well then, let’s have it.” Panzer said, unfurling the scroll with majestic amazingness. “HAHA! So it seems I’m hired to leave the city immediately.” said Panzer throwing the scroll down on the floor and places his fists on his hips, and one foot on a stool so that his man servant might continue with his pedicure.


“Sir, thats an F… what it actually says is that you are fire-” chimed in the unmentionable compatriot, before he was cut off by Panzer.


“Yes yes. My mission, should I choose to accept it, which I obviously will because I, General Panzer, never back down from a mission unless there is certain dismemberment or any other danger to my amazing good looks. Yes, this mission, of which I already accept, is to leave the city and never return. The rest of the message bored me. Something about…if I return… imminent imprisonment or….being shaved bald…something terrible…” Panzer said waving a dismissive hand to the unnamed assistant. “Now go pack my things! I leave as soon as Juan here finishes with my toes and a back rub!”




Some time later, Panzer was riding his beautiful pink and gold hawkstrider, Princess Fluffykins, out of Silvermoon city, his man-servant Juan and his first mate Blarghe, whom was not worth mentioning until this point, carried all of this things. “Necessities”, he had told them, “Everything they would possibly need for their mission ahead.” of which was banishment from Silvermoon. As they approached the Ghostlands, Panzer decided it was here that they would set up camp. And by they, of course, I mean Blarghe and Juan. Panzer stood watch and surveyed the scene unfolding before him.


“You hit the steak on the flat end with the heavy end of the hammer. It’s a very simple concept really” said Panzer, explaining for the 5th time how to set up a tent, the only tent they had apprently brought.


“Sir,” Blarghe said, “Where will Juan and I sleep?”


“Sleep? Did I get any sleep during the war with the great buffet table of Master Hibbs? You two will be standing watch for the night while I get my oh so precious beautification maximum sleep-cycle.”


“oooh….” was all Blarghe could say.






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